Dear Mr. Brody,
In your last email, you asked me to name a price, so I found one. I agree to post only favorable articles (and my own flattering comments) about your new romance as long as you agree to the following terms.
1. You expressed an interest in dating a so-called Plain Jane to reverse your image as a bikini-chasing asshat. The Plain Jane you choose must be me.
2. Aside from housing (any hotel will do, I’m not bougie), I will be charging a weekly fee of $1,500.
3. A Soldier is set to begin production in mid-February. Our staged romance must last until then, and you must bring me to at least three public appearances, such as premieres, parties, and other highly photographed events. I promise to attend whatever you invite me to.
4. You must take me out on at least one ‘date’ a week in plain view. Make-up dates can be scheduled if no paparazzi show, but let’s be real, they will be all over this.
5. You must mention me in at least two interviews between now and mid-February.
6. To sign this contract, you must fly to Columbia Regional Airport in Columbia, Missouri, arriving no later than 10AM this Tuesday the 12th.
- You must pick up me (and 1 friend who is aware of our situation) at a TBD location near Merit, Missouri to catch our flight back to New York.
- You must suck it up if you find yourself in a situation where you have to make small talk with my family members or neighbors. You will be my loyal “boyfriend” at this point, so please remember to speak and act in such a manner (I will accept nicknames such as “honey” and “babe”).
7. Contact me at (573) 555 – 1202. I will disclose my name and other necessary personal information when you arrive in Missouri.
I, Liam Brody, agree to the terms of service outlined in this email.
Please get back to me as soon as possible about these arrangements.