Dear Mr. Brody,
In your last email, you asked me to
name a price, so I found one. I
agree to post only favorable articles (and my own flattering comments) about
your new romance as long as you agree to the following terms.
1. You expressed an interest in dating a
so-called Plain Jane to reverse your image as a bikini-chasing asshat. The Plain Jane you choose must be me.
2. Aside from housing (any hotel will do,
I’m not bougie), I will be charging a weekly fee of $1,500.
3. A Soldier is set to
begin production in mid-February.
Our staged romance must last until then, and you must bring me to at
least three public appearances, such as premieres, parties, and other highly
photographed events. I promise to
attend whatever you invite me to.
4. You must take me out on at least one
‘date’ a week in plain view.
Make-up dates can be scheduled if no paparazzi show, but let’s be real,
they will be all over this.
5. You must mention me in at least two interviews
between now and mid-February.
6. To sign this contract, you must fly to
Columbia Regional Airport in Columbia, Missouri, arriving no later than 10AM
this Tuesday the 12th.
- You must pick up me (and 1 friend who is
aware of our situation) at a TBD location near Merit, Missouri to catch our
flight back to New York.
- You must suck it up if you find yourself
in a situation where you have to make small talk with my family members or
neighbors. You will be my loyal “boyfriend”
at this point, so please remember to speak and act in such a manner (I will
accept nicknames such as “honey” and “babe”).
7. Contact me at (573) 555 – 1202. I will disclose my name and other necessary
personal information when you arrive in Missouri.
I, Liam Brody, agree to the terms of service
outlined in this email.
X ____________________________
Please get back to me as soon as possible
about these arrangements.
- PK
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